writing

Behind

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There is a lot to say

without even making the smallest sound

I am a relationship and still can’t find myself wearing

a full heart-ed smile

our conversations are personal, never a feeling for either of us to lie

and when I am with you

and it’s time for you to leave, I want you to stay for a longer  while

but I am losing track of our time

and I’m hiding inside of my own self,

seeking to only find myself being lonely inside

Maybe you are lost too

and maybe your loneliest can’t find me

but I’m standing right in the open and I am starting to think 

you don’t really want to seek me

Maybe you might be more than what I need

and maybe we did this too soon

we could be crashing our own love down

and maybe I just don’t know what to do with the love that you gave me

and maybe this union was something I did to

see if you could just save me

but I can’t see myself letting you go

we understand each other and on the outside we look perfect

but there is something here that’s not right

that’t not fair

but I cant stop myself from looking into those

eyes that tell me we’re fine

but I find myself behind

and I know you are saying “I oughta know by now”

because  you wanted  you to be mine

but I don’t

and I want to know that your heart will be promised

and your truth will be contagious

I want to know by now that I do not have to worry

and I want to now by now that I do not have to think about anymore “maybes”

And I want to know that you and I can have the most to say over any sound

and I just don’t want to wear a smile, rather I want you to feel it when your not around

and I ought to hear you over my music

and there is a reason our different worlds clicked

we are together and I want to be able to exist with you 

and I don’t want to feel alone when I have you

something is missing from us

and because you first found me,

I am determined to find it

On the Trigger

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Sometimes I have this vision
of me loading all your words all into a gun
as if they were bullets
aiming at point blank range
so close, I can fell your heart beat against the muzzle
my finger on the trigger
no witness around to say I did it
so shut up
don’t say one more thing
or my finger just may build enough courage to pull it
even though I know I couldn’t shoot enough rounds
after reloading a couple times
for you to feel it
to feel the same lies
the same agony
the same shame
 the same shots you rang out
as my heart was the target and  I was the range
so please don’t say anything
because the words you speak are the reason why we are here now
with this automatic pointed at your chest
and your words bound
I have turned this pain into power now
with the ability to take life and love away
devastate your entire being in the same way you did me
find my way back in your life
just to break you down, while I watch you smile
I should let these bullets fly
while looking only into your eyes
I want you to know how it feels
to have love die inside
after thinking  you were living the best days of your life
and then falling apart after deliberately being hit by the love of your life
see you are my hearts glitch
and I’m trying to find when I fell for you like this
you are no longer my hearts power on switch
so as I lift this pistol,
this is not the time to pitch your sorriest apologies
or grab my hand to clinch
and as I aim I rather you not flinch
for the reason that this gun I drew
is still deciding whether this bullet is still for you

Not Okay

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There has to be a reason for coming back to the same thoughts every night.

Play into my Soul

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I guess you have no choice but to lie in bed thinking about love and there is no way of
Avoiding it..
Especially when ya heart decides to contact your mind without any prior notice.
And these headphones in my ears couldn’t play music to take my mind of this.
Because all the sounds and vocals, even rap lyrics all bring up a moment in my life that pertain to you.
And these poems I write have no other choice but to be about you.
And my words loving you is all they really wanted to do.
I wish my creativity could reflect another topic or a moment in my life when everything seemed to mean something.
But that probably won’t happen because Love was something that I thought would make me happy, But since it didn’t last, my heart refuses to be left broken. So I will continue to play these soulful tracks until my heart decides it’s ready to love again and I will continue writing these poems until my words finally want to express my feelings for another man.
Play on music because your playing right into my soul, which guided my pen to write my thoughts better than they ever did before…..

fluid thoughts

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Nobody in the the world but you
the overwhelming anticipation building up inside of me
Because when that day comes I cannot wait to repeat those same words to you

Fluid Writing: Chance

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Looking up
wishing on some stars
Wondering if you are waiting up tonight
In deep contemplation with yourself because you also have a lot on your mind, like I do
My dreaming has gone bad and my rest has gotten uncomfortable
And I find that there is nothing else to be about,
only to wish on something that could never physically meet with me
For the reason that everything or anyone I have some connection with
Eventually goes away
And if this star is capable of receiving what my being desires
Then there is no way I want to get too close and tamper with it
because I want there to be at least a
Mustard seed of a chance that
we could possibly be

Been A While

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It’s been a while
A very long time since that last time I thought about you
However that distance in time was much need
To realize you were never worth the pursuit
Never worth my truth
The sky that day our eyes met, showered something for me to love
But those droplets were never intended to land on
Rather they were meant to fall and flow along a stream that would eventually
Grace the bare feet of a man
That would only love me from the water he stands on to however far “up” ..travels

Foolish Heart

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I’m covered
No one gets to get in
Protected
armor, guards, and big pit pull dogs defend this heart
Collect everything
all feelings gathered and compressed in jar
no liberation, last time they got out
he did not feel the same way
quiet, no sharing and definitely no explaining
he knew my story and to wound me,
used every bit of it against me
to destroy all the development I have made within me
folding in on myself
stressful feeling in my chest, find myself worried about me
needing time to ask myself when did all this become me
unready,
no preparation for the unfolding,  lost my cape
because if my love was real how can I trust another to reciprocate
lost, everything and everybody I thought I knew and know
disoriented, confused, baffled expressions
unaware of everything, family, friends
when I thought, with him I was feeling heaven
doubt, no chance of me and another
every one of him, is the same
uncertainty, every thought or emotions of
connected with another is unsettling

If my heart were to somehow…

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If My heart would have somehow… fell for you again, I would do my best to catch her before you did, beg her to at least keep her balance, convince her that maybe this fall is worth taking again

if my heart would have somehow… stopped for you again, I would tell her to keep on going,

Protect My Home

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Protect my home
Not the housing that I am currently living in
But my heart because that is where the outside of my body can still find shelter in
My heart, just like my home is where my day starts with a mission and ends
And just like my home, my heart provides comfort and can put something back into working order again and mend
My heart is only place where I feel like every emotion inside of me bonds together like old friends
Each emotion that my living soul feels knows myself very well
And with affection and trust create these emotional sensations, that show
me who I really am in detail
Protect my home
This heart of mine is very fragile, despite the barbwire fence that I placed around it
If you ever had a chance at getting to know it
Understand that I had to fight with myself to let you in…and you were worth it
Protect my home
I rather you not steal from me or damage, this fragile territory
Because something so precious shouldn’t ever be stolen from one on purpose.
Don’t damage my delicate property
Because I’m not sure if there is anything to completely numb me
The pain feels like everything ended today. And nothing so hurtful is easy for one in love to bare or out weigh
So my heart has no choice but to lie heavy, until another walks all over it
Protect my home
Like if my heart were your mothers’
Because I don’t know of a man who would disregard a heart that is as beautiful as their first woman.
Protect my home
protect my heart
Even when it has trouble with the plumbing, when tears roll down a face and only long sleeves can catch them
Protect my heart when redecorating takes place, because I’m only improving things about myself to improve on things that will help us build the trust
Protect my heart when the electric is dwindling or the fire goes out
don’t Just walk away, because the anticipation of knowing you again will make new rose buds sprout
Protect my heart and I will be sure to protect yours, because my mother always told me, my heart is my home and I have to open it up for another to share the same address along with me