writer

On the Trigger

Posted on Updated on

Sometimes I have this vision
of me loading all your words all into a gun
as if they were bullets
aiming at point blank range
so close, I can fell your heart beat against the muzzle
my finger on the trigger
no witness around to say I did it
so shut up
don’t say one more thing
or my finger just may build enough courage to pull it
even though I know I couldn’t shoot enough rounds
after reloading a couple times
for you to feel it
to feel the same lies
the same agony
the same shame
 the same shots you rang out
as my heart was the target and  I was the range
so please don’t say anything
because the words you speak are the reason why we are here now
with this automatic pointed at your chest
and your words bound
I have turned this pain into power now
with the ability to take life and love away
devastate your entire being in the same way you did me
find my way back in your life
just to break you down, while I watch you smile
I should let these bullets fly
while looking only into your eyes
I want you to know how it feels
to have love die inside
after thinking  you were living the best days of your life
and then falling apart after deliberately being hit by the love of your life
see you are my hearts glitch
and I’m trying to find when I fell for you like this
you are no longer my hearts power on switch
so as I lift this pistol,
this is not the time to pitch your sorriest apologies
or grab my hand to clinch
and as I aim I rather you not flinch
for the reason that this gun I drew
is still deciding whether this bullet is still for you

Posted on Updated on

You walked into my life when depression seemed to become the root of it all
I was giving up, willing to give up everything, turn in it all
But you appeared just in time, potent enough to take on it all
Strong enough to correct everything in love that I have experienced was wrong
Change my heart to believe that it is possible to stumble upon a king of your own
One willing enough to heal a Queen who is the most important and beautiful of her kind but yet seemed to coexist with a covert jester who only wanted to see her fall
this Queen unable to eat, not able to battle her weakest enemies
unable to sleep, rest for energy to control her own activity
Incapable of speech because conversation seemed to lack substance or truth, it didn’t have any
not able to see because water filled eyes made everything blurry
But you, you a King
Were strong for this Queen physically and mentally
holding on to God given power that only a real man could carry
a King allowing his queen to rest not just for beauty but for him because her strength is the reason why he lives
A king who speaks not just of authority but of praises and respect for a Queen who makes him feel like she makes up each and every cell running through his body
And a King able to wipe off or turn those tears of his Queen to joy, because just the feeling of her presence near, raises every hair on his body arose
A king who knows the risk of loving this Queen is all his and worth it
But he does, because that is what a ruler of real love was sent to love
A Queen unable to be depressed when her night in shining armor is also her best
A king who does not make it hard for his Queen
And a King who forces depression to leave and makes it easy for her to watch bad love make it leave
This king doesn’t want space, and will wait up for her
He rather be in a Thorne beside hers or occupying the same area that she blessed,
A king who ago knows a Queen deserves better and this King is that better
And no other man be that space filler
a Queen is not inadequate rather she is beyond ample enough for the King
A king will do anything to make his Queen stay
A king will walk in her life ready to stay and we never be somewhere else when his Queen needs him

If my heart were to somehow…

Posted on Updated on

If My heart would have somehow… fell for you again, I would do my best to catch her before you did, beg her to at least keep her balance, convince her that maybe this fall is worth taking again

if my heart would have somehow… stopped for you again, I would tell her to keep on going,

I Can’t Stand You

Posted on

Social Networking all I have to say to you
During this rough time in my life about
85 percent of the time I can’t stand you
For the reason that
I think you were personally made to set me up
to constantly go through my mental roller deck and
want to deck every memory that I ever shared with him
And I cant push all the blame on you because I added to it
By making the biggest mistake
posting past moments together and informing others that I am now taken
and I despise going down my old twitter feeds, because back then I wish I had an awaken
So for quite some time I excused my timelines and newfeeds
Because there was no way I wanted to scroll down my screen
in my deplorable and miserable state
And see pictures and words from you that pertain to what we use to be
now on instagram the only place I thought we were detached
But you always find back, in my life you find your way to latch
Even if that means making it you priority to follow every last one of my closest friends
Then you make sure you like every photo that I appear in
Then occasionally like a photo of mine to reassure me that I may no longer be personable in your life
but I for damn sure going to remind you that I exist in your life
Once you see this notification for this like
Hoping in return I will finally decide to follow you back, it’s not happening
Mainly because I can no longer stand your face, and in scrolling down my Instargram
I can’t even imagine seeing a happy photo of someone that has shattered my heart in ways that I can’t seem to put back in place
When trying to escape you from instagram I make my way to facebook in hope that I can have some clarity there because your deactivated
But after some time not speaking your activated,
after a couple minutes discovering I’m also on facebook,
you suddenly write positive quotes, right after I would post,
to indirectly convince me that you have moved on, but its actually saying that
I finally decided to un-deactive my facebook and I’m going to continue to write meaningless quotes until you noticed I’m on
And if that doesn’t work, your facebook is asking you what’s on your mind, so you decide to be that guy and post an update to your status
with the lyrics to my favorite song
Why do you find ways to emotionally drag me along?
Especially when you send messages describing how much you love me then
Blaming it on the fact that you are not connected to with natural self,
In other words, you chose to make excuses, and blame it on the alcohol that you say you’re abusing
When we both know at that moment, alcohol was not what you were using
You’re just making excuses to quickly cover up those three words, that soberly you’re not man enough to speak of
so I can find myself, tossing over and turning all night over your so called “drunk text” wondering if it any truth to it
And I fight myself so much I excuse it
When going through what feels like a breakup, I cant help but be socially drained.
Because I hate to log on and see your name
and be updated on how you are happy (happy) without me today
Or how a trip we planned on taken was experienced with another
And you even had the opportunity to visually display how much fun you both had together
I can’t stand you social networking, because every time I see your name on my display
My heart can never bare it all and just runs awaken
Or how you find ways to hang out with my best friend
When we both know you’re doing it because that is the only way you can receive updates on how I have been
or when social networking isn’t enough and you just happen to appear in the same place that I am in
And many times I have thought about
un-commencing our friendship like it never had a start
and in reality I rather not look at your face
because everything inside of me would reminisce back to when we were in that place
and sometimes participating in the same networks as you
never prepares me for when I have to look at you in the face
so I will continue to ignore facebook messages
instagram likes and act like I didn’t see tweets about you about
how you saw me from a face and I looked nice today
because I will never be able to believe in any word that you say
especially when you are only able you express how you feel
when it is delivered as a notification on my iphone display

He’s Gone Forever

Posted on

I lost you quicker

A lot faster than I thought you were going to go

Thoughts are not even allowed to linger

and body no longer will experience a tingle

every time you come near, because now you’re gone like the sun going away after the day ends

but the only difference is, you are not coming back again

Gone forever maybe to find out who we really are

without each other

gone forever

and no longer can I ask were are we and where have we gone

because we lost each other during that week

and there is no use in looking for each other because we disappeared and neither of us were meant to be seeked

but the smell of you still lives here and it sensitive to nose

you are gone forever but when your scent travels past my nose

I get this tendency to turn around in hope that you might possibly appear once more

like a car traveling down a one way road,  there’s no way of squeezing another car in for two

he is gone forever

and I did not make you love me, you just did

now he is gone forever, but where does love go when what we had ends

does love keep running until it is all out, or does it just get buried inside of us

until our futures allow us to meet back up

I don’t know if I no longer anticipate seeing your name call my phone

or making sure you are the last face I see before my eyes rest for awhile

he is gone forever

so I anticipate a new beginning and the blurry vision of a man who will one day be the first face I see when I wake up in the morning

already looking back at me

because he did not want to miss awakening of his future

 

he is gone forever

and maybe that’s why I do not try to think about that as much

and I do not know if it is possible to feel that way again for another. but I am hoping I can

he is gone forever

and I never wanted happily ever after

because that would mean that one day we would eventually end

and that is what exactly happened to us

you are gone from me for ever

and I wished before that I could be all… for you

but he is gone forever and I am nothing at all to you

we are gone forever

and it might not be possible to start new

Posted on

Confession:

I wish I had my mind made up
But there were so many reasons even sensations
This I needed to give you recognition
keep from being bottled inside and release this feeling that pushed this very inclination
that told me it had to come out and whatever that I felt was calling and say it to you myself
And what I need to say was taking baby steps from my lips to your ears so that you can hear for yourself

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

I do not understand why I can’t keep this captive
In my heart, so you never have to know
locked up, under security watch, no release, and never have to worry about feeling becoming active
Keep them in my head and hopefully some other way you will eventually be able to know

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

I finally took the time and counted
what could be worse …you taking this chance or me left and being rejected
I never know until i try
so words slip through lips that chose words carefully to say
The words were spoken and all I want to do is hide or leave with a rushed goodbye
I hope for a good response, as I sit back waiting for you with a relieved…sigh

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

What I feared the most hit me..and I was declined
And I wish the rush of me ever telling you this was gone
because I did not prepare myself to hear words that came close to No
I thought I was being brave and I was looking forward to a mutual response that I could set in stone

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

And now I just want to remove myself from any other inklings
because I went with this one and was denied your hearts entree
Even though you did not intend to deny me or hurt me
but rejection still hurts when your denied what you want so dearly

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

But I am going to take this in a way that is nothing more or less
because If I did not take this chance how would I ever be able to speak what was needed to be expressed
You were kind and I will not object that
There could always be something else down the line

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

So i take this as a lesson
but I will never forget that rejection is like a mission
set my self up before I throw myself in a life changing experiences
rejection does not feel so good
But I know in my heart now that I am a better person for giving this a heart felt try

Something Real For your Mind

Posted on

At times when I’m feeling down, I wish I came across that certain call, that certain text, that certain human being standing in my presence. But when I am down I shouldn’t have to wish for your existence. For instance, if you knew me you would already know that everything would be better if you were just standing in my presence, even if it was at a distance. Just knowing your there would change my mood in a instant.

Waking Dream

Posted on Updated on

During my nights, my mind circulates thoughts of you, then leads to me waking
the next morning with a visually unexpected intrusions by you
In my mirror
your image is reflecting back to me, and how I wish that I could feel the warmth
of your skin. But I can only feel the moisture in the air from the shower that
was just ran
I awake the next morning concluding there is no need to pinch
me, to let me know you’re real.
Because that…I wasn’t dreaming
I would
ask for you to wake me up but I’m no longer sleeping
I reach for your hand
and I realize this touch to ur warm skin isn’t what I’m scheming
I noticed at
night, you and your existence feels safe, when I’m sleep, The beginning of a
possible me and you begins to shape.
So I toss and turn with thoughts of
your resting beside me,
Until they form this person, that looks back at me
with eyes powerful enough to numb my entire body
But not numb with
disbelief, because you made it into my reality
But fear of awakening to an
empty room
And to disappointment because this was only a lucid dream
I
know this is not what I am controlling in my sleep
This can’t be something
I’m subconsciously creating because it is to real for me to just dream
when
you turn into my waking dream that is when the real takes place
This is
beyond the mental images in sleep, because when I see and feel your
presence
I rather not have care of where I am with you, as long as I am
awake
You are my waking dream
And your mental and very much alive smile
is as visual as a light from a laser beam
And I just want to be the reason
why your smile shines as bright as it does
And the air that you breathe I
want to breathe with you and receive a heart healing, mind renewing, love
filling buzz.
I just want to be that optical light that shines because of
you
I waited so long for my waking hours to consist of my eyes just landing
on you ,
and if every waking dream meant I first had to run a couple acres
of land.
I would run each and ever acre in this world over and over
To
just see you again
This is no optical illusion
And it is impossible for
me to wake myself from a lucid dream because I am no longer dreaming
I’m not
in control, for the reason that we have elements that where indescribably near
to each other
So close, I can either feel you in my sleep or when we are a
ridiculous amount of miles away from one another.
Describing you as my
waking dream just fabricates the unbelievable connection I have with you
And
it doesn’t just make us close in reality but also when I sleep
It made us
both incomparable to each other, not suitable for any type of comparison,

just one in the same,
together but ourselves when our minds are rested
or active
One in the same when we sleep, and I swear our hearts beat the same
identical beat
You are my waking dream
And to you my waking dream if you
ever whispered for me to go back to sleep, I want you to know I would sleep for
days to stay with you.
And to my waking dream I know you are not just a make
up of my own imagination
Because I feel you, breathe with you, and apart of
you, so this can not be a dream because I am actually living this with you

Paperback Silence

Posted on

I read these bound collection of pages with words that all mean something
And I read them out loud but my lips form words that still stay silent
Because I’m reading the truth and me I refuse to accept it
The pages that hold these words that I hope will one day come alive
That I pray will turn from written material to reality and set free the feelings that I hold inside
And I wish that these words were written in ink like if they were in a journal
Because hopefully the diary would be mine and the ink would bleed through the
certain material of flat sheets that would drip on to me because at least I know that some of my feelings are capable of being released.
And I can’t keep acting like the words in this book are written in a language that is foreign
I’m protecting myself from going on this journey if I’m searching for you and then being lead to something that will not allow me to have you forever…
But I know in my heart this book was written differently… but in truth, to me, about you, because I was the first to read and open it
And this book was published only to be paperback
It’s flexible and lean…because these feelings that I have need to be bent in the right direction and angled to you finally reach you so we can be
Because a hardback is only made to have a rigid cover
That would make it hard for me to read these words and have their meanings flow out and have me finally understand the truth and uncover
But I knew all this and still didn’t want to accept it
This book was very interesting, I couldn’t put it down
I would try to stop reading it but then retrieved the novel and felt
Like I’m the one living it but my head is telling me I shouldn’t allow my heart to relive it
So this paperback… I still try my best to act like I don’t understand it
I have my mind trying to fool my heart
That this has been a paperback that we’ve interpreted in reverse so you would comprehend less at the same time as the pages turn
And when we were in each other’s presence I’m searching to be at a loss for words
So I attempt to read through this book slowly so I can at last follow my heart
Because in the book you were willing to chase and I promised to run slowly
In the final chapters your hand finally made it into mine
And in this book the feelings were released like they fell out of the sky
And at the end of the last chapter
our characters agreed that they would get it right this time
This book had a lesson and taught me my lips can form words even when there is silence
That I can accept the truth
And that together where still in the making of our books
And My heart fights my mind and tells it there is a sequel to this