Fluid Writing: Then to have Me Now

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good bye to the man who rather postpone me until later
then to have now
so he can still prowl
on unambitious, not close to genuine, and over confident Females
that only look good in his towel
and still believe that I will be waiting for him no matter while…(snippet)

Thoughts of Me

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to know that you thought about me sometime today
sent the most rapid amount of chills up my spine
but not the same chills that everyone describes
but the chills that seem to escalate the rate of the blood pumping
through my body
by 100 times
which at the same time
somehow convinced my breaths to slow down
because of the excitement of me just picturing you contemplating
the moments that we have compiled,
off sets my spine until I can no longer stand for long periods of time
you constantly restore the memory of me, even though I’m gone
you allow thoughts of me to be strong
taking over your psyche
being held responsible for thoughts and feelings that in your head, that carry on
your expressing to me saying that you thought of me
is telling me these thoughts were on purpose
because you anticipate my response
because you would like to know if my thoughts also consisted of you on purpose
you deliberately allowed thoughts of me to influence your smile
and I can’t help but deliberately appreciate
the act of you quietly soothing your world of noise
by lending the memory of me to your mind
when apart that proves you still focus on a “us”
because thoughts lead to beliefs
and thoughts have natural and physical power
and if we commit ourselves to those same thoughts of me that made you smile
we can eventually live a real life together

Fluid Writing: Chance

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Looking up
wishing on some stars
Wondering if you are waiting up tonight
In deep contemplation with yourself because you also have a lot on your mind, like I do
My dreaming has gone bad and my rest has gotten uncomfortable
And I find that there is nothing else to be about,
only to wish on something that could never physically meet with me
For the reason that everything or anyone I have some connection with
Eventually goes away
And if this star is capable of receiving what my being desires
Then there is no way I want to get too close and tamper with it
because I want there to be at least a
Mustard seed of a chance that
we could possibly be

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-I was designed to love you more than I ever thought was possible.

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You walked into my life when depression seemed to become the root of it all
I was giving up, willing to give up everything, turn in it all
But you appeared just in time, potent enough to take on it all
Strong enough to correct everything in love that I have experienced was wrong
Change my heart to believe that it is possible to stumble upon a king of your own
One willing enough to heal a Queen who is the most important and beautiful of her kind but yet seemed to coexist with a covert jester who only wanted to see her fall
this Queen unable to eat, not able to battle her weakest enemies
unable to sleep, rest for energy to control her own activity
Incapable of speech because conversation seemed to lack substance or truth, it didn’t have any
not able to see because water filled eyes made everything blurry
But you, you a King
Were strong for this Queen physically and mentally
holding on to God given power that only a real man could carry
a King allowing his queen to rest not just for beauty but for him because her strength is the reason why he lives
A king who speaks not just of authority but of praises and respect for a Queen who makes him feel like she makes up each and every cell running through his body
And a King able to wipe off or turn those tears of his Queen to joy, because just the feeling of her presence near, raises every hair on his body arose
A king who knows the risk of loving this Queen is all his and worth it
But he does, because that is what a ruler of real love was sent to love
A Queen unable to be depressed when her night in shining armor is also her best
A king who does not make it hard for his Queen
And a King who forces depression to leave and makes it easy for her to watch bad love make it leave
This king doesn’t want space, and will wait up for her
He rather be in a Thorne beside hers or occupying the same area that she blessed,
A king who ago knows a Queen deserves better and this King is that better
And no other man be that space filler
a Queen is not inadequate rather she is beyond ample enough for the King
A king will do anything to make his Queen stay
A king will walk in her life ready to stay and we never be somewhere else when his Queen needs him

If my heart were to somehow…

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If My heart would have somehow… fell for you again, I would do my best to catch her before you did, beg her to at least keep her balance, convince her that maybe this fall is worth taking again

if my heart would have somehow… stopped for you again, I would tell her to keep on going,

Protect My Home

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Protect my home
Not the housing that I am currently living in
But my heart because that is where the outside of my body can still find shelter in
My heart, just like my home is where my day starts with a mission and ends
And just like my home, my heart provides comfort and can put something back into working order again and mend
My heart is only place where I feel like every emotion inside of me bonds together like old friends
Each emotion that my living soul feels knows myself very well
And with affection and trust create these emotional sensations, that show
me who I really am in detail
Protect my home
This heart of mine is very fragile, despite the barbwire fence that I placed around it
If you ever had a chance at getting to know it
Understand that I had to fight with myself to let you in…and you were worth it
Protect my home
I rather you not steal from me or damage, this fragile territory
Because something so precious shouldn’t ever be stolen from one on purpose.
Don’t damage my delicate property
Because I’m not sure if there is anything to completely numb me
The pain feels like everything ended today. And nothing so hurtful is easy for one in love to bare or out weigh
So my heart has no choice but to lie heavy, until another walks all over it
Protect my home
Like if my heart were your mothers’
Because I don’t know of a man who would disregard a heart that is as beautiful as their first woman.
Protect my home
protect my heart
Even when it has trouble with the plumbing, when tears roll down a face and only long sleeves can catch them
Protect my heart when redecorating takes place, because I’m only improving things about myself to improve on things that will help us build the trust
Protect my heart when the electric is dwindling or the fire goes out
don’t Just walk away, because the anticipation of knowing you again will make new rose buds sprout
Protect my heart and I will be sure to protect yours, because my mother always told me, my heart is my home and I have to open it up for another to share the same address along with me

I Can’t Stand You

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Social Networking all I have to say to you
During this rough time in my life about
85 percent of the time I can’t stand you
For the reason that
I think you were personally made to set me up
to constantly go through my mental roller deck and
want to deck every memory that I ever shared with him
And I cant push all the blame on you because I added to it
By making the biggest mistake
posting past moments together and informing others that I am now taken
and I despise going down my old twitter feeds, because back then I wish I had an awaken
So for quite some time I excused my timelines and newfeeds
Because there was no way I wanted to scroll down my screen
in my deplorable and miserable state
And see pictures and words from you that pertain to what we use to be
now on instagram the only place I thought we were detached
But you always find back, in my life you find your way to latch
Even if that means making it you priority to follow every last one of my closest friends
Then you make sure you like every photo that I appear in
Then occasionally like a photo of mine to reassure me that I may no longer be personable in your life
but I for damn sure going to remind you that I exist in your life
Once you see this notification for this like
Hoping in return I will finally decide to follow you back, it’s not happening
Mainly because I can no longer stand your face, and in scrolling down my Instargram
I can’t even imagine seeing a happy photo of someone that has shattered my heart in ways that I can’t seem to put back in place
When trying to escape you from instagram I make my way to facebook in hope that I can have some clarity there because your deactivated
But after some time not speaking your activated,
after a couple minutes discovering I’m also on facebook,
you suddenly write positive quotes, right after I would post,
to indirectly convince me that you have moved on, but its actually saying that
I finally decided to un-deactive my facebook and I’m going to continue to write meaningless quotes until you noticed I’m on
And if that doesn’t work, your facebook is asking you what’s on your mind, so you decide to be that guy and post an update to your status
with the lyrics to my favorite song
Why do you find ways to emotionally drag me along?
Especially when you send messages describing how much you love me then
Blaming it on the fact that you are not connected to with natural self,
In other words, you chose to make excuses, and blame it on the alcohol that you say you’re abusing
When we both know at that moment, alcohol was not what you were using
You’re just making excuses to quickly cover up those three words, that soberly you’re not man enough to speak of
so I can find myself, tossing over and turning all night over your so called “drunk text” wondering if it any truth to it
And I fight myself so much I excuse it
When going through what feels like a breakup, I cant help but be socially drained.
Because I hate to log on and see your name
and be updated on how you are happy (happy) without me today
Or how a trip we planned on taken was experienced with another
And you even had the opportunity to visually display how much fun you both had together
I can’t stand you social networking, because every time I see your name on my display
My heart can never bare it all and just runs awaken
Or how you find ways to hang out with my best friend
When we both know you’re doing it because that is the only way you can receive updates on how I have been
or when social networking isn’t enough and you just happen to appear in the same place that I am in
And many times I have thought about
un-commencing our friendship like it never had a start
and in reality I rather not look at your face
because everything inside of me would reminisce back to when we were in that place
and sometimes participating in the same networks as you
never prepares me for when I have to look at you in the face
so I will continue to ignore facebook messages
instagram likes and act like I didn’t see tweets about you about
how you saw me from a face and I looked nice today
because I will never be able to believe in any word that you say
especially when you are only able you express how you feel
when it is delivered as a notification on my iphone display

He’s Gone Forever

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I lost you quicker

A lot faster than I thought you were going to go

Thoughts are not even allowed to linger

and body no longer will experience a tingle

every time you come near, because now you’re gone like the sun going away after the day ends

but the only difference is, you are not coming back again

Gone forever maybe to find out who we really are

without each other

gone forever

and no longer can I ask were are we and where have we gone

because we lost each other during that week

and there is no use in looking for each other because we disappeared and neither of us were meant to be seeked

but the smell of you still lives here and it sensitive to nose

you are gone forever but when your scent travels past my nose

I get this tendency to turn around in hope that you might possibly appear once more

like a car traveling down a one way road,  there’s no way of squeezing another car in for two

he is gone forever

and I did not make you love me, you just did

now he is gone forever, but where does love go when what we had ends

does love keep running until it is all out, or does it just get buried inside of us

until our futures allow us to meet back up

I don’t know if I no longer anticipate seeing your name call my phone

or making sure you are the last face I see before my eyes rest for awhile

he is gone forever

so I anticipate a new beginning and the blurry vision of a man who will one day be the first face I see when I wake up in the morning

already looking back at me

because he did not want to miss awakening of his future


he is gone forever

and maybe that’s why I do not try to think about that as much

and I do not know if it is possible to feel that way again for another. but I am hoping I can

he is gone forever

and I never wanted happily ever after

because that would mean that one day we would eventually end

and that is what exactly happened to us

you are gone from me for ever

and I wished before that I could be all… for you

but he is gone forever and I am nothing at all to you

we are gone forever

and it might not be possible to start new

Sorriest Sorry

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Today I thought about, way more than a brief second. Probably for about 5 minutes. Those minutes were long, long enough for me to think about every song we listened to with each other, every late night we ever spent together, and ever conversation we held between  each other. I did not plan on thinking about you, it somehow entered my mind. I find no matter how hard I tried, once my mind focuses and clears, you always find a way to reappear. I thought I was over, I thought I was starting new. So I was hoping the reason for my mind hoarding thoughts about you is only because that is its way of disposing you. I haven’t had the heart of saying out loud that I am totally through. For the reason that I believe in speaking things into existence and I still have hope that our time isn’t past due. In those seconds I felt every sensation, that I shared with you, whether its soft and warm because of the way you smiled, or your hands griping my forearm, while I set a fire inside because you said this would be the last time you would ever have to apologize. So I am saying my sorriest sorry because we always discussed that we would always share our feelings for each other, but now we do not talk to one another. But I am thinking about you, All the lies you told when I only ask for your truth, and all those words you spoke to me that feel like irritated gun shot wounds. I am still thinking about you, probably way more than I should. But it’s my mind telling me that you are possibly good or possibly bad you are for me, and these feelings I have for you are just misunderstood. Time will tell but I apologize to you because I thought about you once more and you don’t know. But I have this feeling that you’re feeling something when you enter my mind. So I apologize because we always said we would tell each other out loud. I’m Sorry because your thinking about me now, I can feel it.