thoughts

Not Okay

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There has to be a reason for coming back to the same thoughts every night.

fluid thoughts

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Nobody in the the world but you
the overwhelming anticipation building up inside of me
Because when that day comes I cannot wait to repeat those same words to you

Been A While

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It’s been a while
A very long time since that last time I thought about you
However that distance in time was much need
To realize you were never worth the pursuit
Never worth my truth
The sky that day our eyes met, showered something for me to love
But those droplets were never intended to land on
Rather they were meant to fall and flow along a stream that would eventually
Grace the bare feet of a man
That would only love me from the water he stands on to however far “up” ..travels

If my heart were to somehow…

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If My heart would have somehow… fell for you again, I would do my best to catch her before you did, beg her to at least keep her balance, convince her that maybe this fall is worth taking again

if my heart would have somehow… stopped for you again, I would tell her to keep on going,

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You seem to know my heart better then me, so tell me what I should do with it

I Can’t Stand You

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Social Networking all I have to say to you
During this rough time in my life about
85 percent of the time I can’t stand you
For the reason that
I think you were personally made to set me up
to constantly go through my mental roller deck and
want to deck every memory that I ever shared with him
And I cant push all the blame on you because I added to it
By making the biggest mistake
posting past moments together and informing others that I am now taken
and I despise going down my old twitter feeds, because back then I wish I had an awaken
So for quite some time I excused my timelines and newfeeds
Because there was no way I wanted to scroll down my screen
in my deplorable and miserable state
And see pictures and words from you that pertain to what we use to be
now on instagram the only place I thought we were detached
But you always find back, in my life you find your way to latch
Even if that means making it you priority to follow every last one of my closest friends
Then you make sure you like every photo that I appear in
Then occasionally like a photo of mine to reassure me that I may no longer be personable in your life
but I for damn sure going to remind you that I exist in your life
Once you see this notification for this like
Hoping in return I will finally decide to follow you back, it’s not happening
Mainly because I can no longer stand your face, and in scrolling down my Instargram
I can’t even imagine seeing a happy photo of someone that has shattered my heart in ways that I can’t seem to put back in place
When trying to escape you from instagram I make my way to facebook in hope that I can have some clarity there because your deactivated
But after some time not speaking your activated,
after a couple minutes discovering I’m also on facebook,
you suddenly write positive quotes, right after I would post,
to indirectly convince me that you have moved on, but its actually saying that
I finally decided to un-deactive my facebook and I’m going to continue to write meaningless quotes until you noticed I’m on
And if that doesn’t work, your facebook is asking you what’s on your mind, so you decide to be that guy and post an update to your status
with the lyrics to my favorite song
Why do you find ways to emotionally drag me along?
Especially when you send messages describing how much you love me then
Blaming it on the fact that you are not connected to with natural self,
In other words, you chose to make excuses, and blame it on the alcohol that you say you’re abusing
When we both know at that moment, alcohol was not what you were using
You’re just making excuses to quickly cover up those three words, that soberly you’re not man enough to speak of
so I can find myself, tossing over and turning all night over your so called “drunk text” wondering if it any truth to it
And I fight myself so much I excuse it
When going through what feels like a breakup, I cant help but be socially drained.
Because I hate to log on and see your name
and be updated on how you are happy (happy) without me today
Or how a trip we planned on taken was experienced with another
And you even had the opportunity to visually display how much fun you both had together
I can’t stand you social networking, because every time I see your name on my display
My heart can never bare it all and just runs awaken
Or how you find ways to hang out with my best friend
When we both know you’re doing it because that is the only way you can receive updates on how I have been
or when social networking isn’t enough and you just happen to appear in the same place that I am in
And many times I have thought about
un-commencing our friendship like it never had a start
and in reality I rather not look at your face
because everything inside of me would reminisce back to when we were in that place
and sometimes participating in the same networks as you
never prepares me for when I have to look at you in the face
so I will continue to ignore facebook messages
instagram likes and act like I didn’t see tweets about you about
how you saw me from a face and I looked nice today
because I will never be able to believe in any word that you say
especially when you are only able you express how you feel
when it is delivered as a notification on my iphone display

He’s Gone Forever

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I lost you quicker

A lot faster than I thought you were going to go

Thoughts are not even allowed to linger

and body no longer will experience a tingle

every time you come near, because now you’re gone like the sun going away after the day ends

but the only difference is, you are not coming back again

Gone forever maybe to find out who we really are

without each other

gone forever

and no longer can I ask were are we and where have we gone

because we lost each other during that week

and there is no use in looking for each other because we disappeared and neither of us were meant to be seeked

but the smell of you still lives here and it sensitive to nose

you are gone forever but when your scent travels past my nose

I get this tendency to turn around in hope that you might possibly appear once more

like a car traveling down a one way road,  there’s no way of squeezing another car in for two

he is gone forever

and I did not make you love me, you just did

now he is gone forever, but where does love go when what we had ends

does love keep running until it is all out, or does it just get buried inside of us

until our futures allow us to meet back up

I don’t know if I no longer anticipate seeing your name call my phone

or making sure you are the last face I see before my eyes rest for awhile

he is gone forever

so I anticipate a new beginning and the blurry vision of a man who will one day be the first face I see when I wake up in the morning

already looking back at me

because he did not want to miss awakening of his future

 

he is gone forever

and maybe that’s why I do not try to think about that as much

and I do not know if it is possible to feel that way again for another. but I am hoping I can

he is gone forever

and I never wanted happily ever after

because that would mean that one day we would eventually end

and that is what exactly happened to us

you are gone from me for ever

and I wished before that I could be all… for you

but he is gone forever and I am nothing at all to you

we are gone forever

and it might not be possible to start new

For Better

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I said get away from me.

If you take one more step I swear….

with ever bone in my body shivering as if it’s below zero outside,

 my fists are clenching up ready to punch your lights out

I’m anger, I’m anger that I might love you

and all this you put me through does not want to hear another apology

I’m tired of feeling this way,

I’m tired of  getting sick to my stomach because I go back and forth with the idea, that I  possibly fell for you

I can’t stand the thought of you getting close to me

so close that we touch and my entire body falls weak again

so please keep away from me

rather we should not even speak

because the tone of your voice would influence the unattainable passion

that exist between us to go further

and I can’t assist this, I’m hurting and love like this should not have to feel this way

I am a crusader for love, but not a crusader to end up hurt

and loving you hurts so much I could embrace you with ever thing in my body

but doing that is like placing myself right in the way of on coming traffic

so please don’t bother making eye contact with me

pretend you are blind, and leave me behind

because the glimpse into your eyes will fool myself into thinking that this right

I want to avoid you

please stop, why are you coming close

I can feel your breath, and everything that exist in my being wants you

and you caress my back as you lean into me for a hug

is torturing me, and every word that you speak into my ears are like bullets shooting straight for my heart

and your arms are coiled around me as if they don’t plan on letting go

so please remove them off my body

my stomach twist and my heart plummets because I’m falling into you again

and I hold you responsible

so please just let go of me

walk away, and let me be the bigger human

please let me push you away,

because I want to invasion you no longer by my side

I need the truth, and I hate believing in you

so please remove your self from my presence before these tears packed in my eyes make an appearance

It hurts so much to look at you

and its damaging to know you now spend time with her

I’m wounded, so please turn away

go astray,

I’m no longer stuck on the thought of losing you

I loved but my faith in you has gone away

so please leave me be, go on

go away so all this between us can finally drift off

bye

 

 

 

 

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Confession:

I wish I had my mind made up
But there were so many reasons even sensations
This I needed to give you recognition
keep from being bottled inside and release this feeling that pushed this very inclination
that told me it had to come out and whatever that I felt was calling and say it to you myself
And what I need to say was taking baby steps from my lips to your ears so that you can hear for yourself

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

I do not understand why I can’t keep this captive
In my heart, so you never have to know
locked up, under security watch, no release, and never have to worry about feeling becoming active
Keep them in my head and hopefully some other way you will eventually be able to know

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

I finally took the time and counted
what could be worse …you taking this chance or me left and being rejected
I never know until i try
so words slip through lips that chose words carefully to say
The words were spoken and all I want to do is hide or leave with a rushed goodbye
I hope for a good response, as I sit back waiting for you with a relieved…sigh

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

What I feared the most hit me..and I was declined
And I wish the rush of me ever telling you this was gone
because I did not prepare myself to hear words that came close to No
I thought I was being brave and I was looking forward to a mutual response that I could set in stone

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

And now I just want to remove myself from any other inklings
because I went with this one and was denied your hearts entree
Even though you did not intend to deny me or hurt me
but rejection still hurts when your denied what you want so dearly

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

But I am going to take this in a way that is nothing more or less
because If I did not take this chance how would I ever be able to speak what was needed to be expressed
You were kind and I will not object that
There could always be something else down the line

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

So i take this as a lesson
but I will never forget that rejection is like a mission
set my self up before I throw myself in a life changing experiences
rejection does not feel so good
But I know in my heart now that I am a better person for giving this a heart felt try