story

Blessing on the Both of Us 

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I found new love again

And that’s only because it was almost perfect

Almost worth it

Courting me as if you were done seeking affection from random misses

And I was the one that made you different 

The one that made you hope for marriage

Playfully but carefully picked out subtle names for subsequent babies 

That you believed, if we had a girl she would drive you crazy 

Bc you explained she would look and act like her mother,

Me 

Your stubborn, strong willed but delicate lady

I wanted to love this man 

Who agreed, our babies would share the same first letter as our names

You would argue, as if I was having your child so bad 

that our first daughter would be named after your favorite football team 

Bc you are a huge Dallas fan

I miss this man 

and it sucks because all I imagine is kissing this man 

But I had to write this poem bc it helps me

Release a little bit of you from me at a time 

Helps me to cope with the reality that you are no longer mine 

Our conversations are now empty and before I could only imagine that what we are putting ourselves through now, could only be a lie

I thought I was close

And now we are both pulling each other on opposite sides of the rope

And I can’t trust u to pull me close

And I want to hold you but my hands still burn from the tugging you did on the rope 

And I want to love you but I don’t want to tie you. down, for fear that you may just go

I prayed that this could work

I cried Bc of hurt

And I shake with the thought of having to face you one day soon, and show u what I wrote

In Jesus name I cried asking him to heal us both 

Clarify that this is love, and this may work

In your name I pray renew us both 

Get back to what really mattered the most

And relive the night you first met me,

And thought that this girl right here I can not see her not being beside me

In his name let these words I wrote 

Help me release the control that I think I have and let the One Above workout a blessing on us both

I want to love you

On the Trigger

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Sometimes I have this vision
of me loading all your words all into a gun
as if they were bullets
aiming at point blank range
so close, I can fell your heart beat against the muzzle
my finger on the trigger
no witness around to say I did it
so shut up
don’t say one more thing
or my finger just may build enough courage to pull it
even though I know I couldn’t shoot enough rounds
after reloading a couple times
for you to feel it
to feel the same lies
the same agony
the same shame
 the same shots you rang out
as my heart was the target and  I was the range
so please don’t say anything
because the words you speak are the reason why we are here now
with this automatic pointed at your chest
and your words bound
I have turned this pain into power now
with the ability to take life and love away
devastate your entire being in the same way you did me
find my way back in your life
just to break you down, while I watch you smile
I should let these bullets fly
while looking only into your eyes
I want you to know how it feels
to have love die inside
after thinking  you were living the best days of your life
and then falling apart after deliberately being hit by the love of your life
see you are my hearts glitch
and I’m trying to find when I fell for you like this
you are no longer my hearts power on switch
so as I lift this pistol,
this is not the time to pitch your sorriest apologies
or grab my hand to clinch
and as I aim I rather you not flinch
for the reason that this gun I drew
is still deciding whether this bullet is still for you

I Can’t Stand You

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Social Networking all I have to say to you
During this rough time in my life about
85 percent of the time I can’t stand you
For the reason that
I think you were personally made to set me up
to constantly go through my mental roller deck and
want to deck every memory that I ever shared with him
And I cant push all the blame on you because I added to it
By making the biggest mistake
posting past moments together and informing others that I am now taken
and I despise going down my old twitter feeds, because back then I wish I had an awaken
So for quite some time I excused my timelines and newfeeds
Because there was no way I wanted to scroll down my screen
in my deplorable and miserable state
And see pictures and words from you that pertain to what we use to be
now on instagram the only place I thought we were detached
But you always find back, in my life you find your way to latch
Even if that means making it you priority to follow every last one of my closest friends
Then you make sure you like every photo that I appear in
Then occasionally like a photo of mine to reassure me that I may no longer be personable in your life
but I for damn sure going to remind you that I exist in your life
Once you see this notification for this like
Hoping in return I will finally decide to follow you back, it’s not happening
Mainly because I can no longer stand your face, and in scrolling down my Instargram
I can’t even imagine seeing a happy photo of someone that has shattered my heart in ways that I can’t seem to put back in place
When trying to escape you from instagram I make my way to facebook in hope that I can have some clarity there because your deactivated
But after some time not speaking your activated,
after a couple minutes discovering I’m also on facebook,
you suddenly write positive quotes, right after I would post,
to indirectly convince me that you have moved on, but its actually saying that
I finally decided to un-deactive my facebook and I’m going to continue to write meaningless quotes until you noticed I’m on
And if that doesn’t work, your facebook is asking you what’s on your mind, so you decide to be that guy and post an update to your status
with the lyrics to my favorite song
Why do you find ways to emotionally drag me along?
Especially when you send messages describing how much you love me then
Blaming it on the fact that you are not connected to with natural self,
In other words, you chose to make excuses, and blame it on the alcohol that you say you’re abusing
When we both know at that moment, alcohol was not what you were using
You’re just making excuses to quickly cover up those three words, that soberly you’re not man enough to speak of
so I can find myself, tossing over and turning all night over your so called “drunk text” wondering if it any truth to it
And I fight myself so much I excuse it
When going through what feels like a breakup, I cant help but be socially drained.
Because I hate to log on and see your name
and be updated on how you are happy (happy) without me today
Or how a trip we planned on taken was experienced with another
And you even had the opportunity to visually display how much fun you both had together
I can’t stand you social networking, because every time I see your name on my display
My heart can never bare it all and just runs awaken
Or how you find ways to hang out with my best friend
When we both know you’re doing it because that is the only way you can receive updates on how I have been
or when social networking isn’t enough and you just happen to appear in the same place that I am in
And many times I have thought about
un-commencing our friendship like it never had a start
and in reality I rather not look at your face
because everything inside of me would reminisce back to when we were in that place
and sometimes participating in the same networks as you
never prepares me for when I have to look at you in the face
so I will continue to ignore facebook messages
instagram likes and act like I didn’t see tweets about you about
how you saw me from a face and I looked nice today
because I will never be able to believe in any word that you say
especially when you are only able you express how you feel
when it is delivered as a notification on my iphone display

Love Supreme

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What am I fighting for?
For some reason I still ponder
On this hard to answer inevitable question
I need to mention
It’s the first thing that comes to my mind n the morning after I say my prayers to my
lord
It’s the last thing that comes to my mind at night after I pray once
more

The question is what disables all my actions
what am I fighting for?I
consider this question with my eyes shut closed
With eyelids laid over to conceal my eyes
And your eyes will stay away with no contact with mine
Because my eyes see and they never lie
And know that your still on My mind
So What am I fight for?
My mouth still contains nothing to say
I’m not willing to speak up and fall for just anything
I’m asking why I can’t take this and why my heart is still breaking and why are
emotions kept silent
And when I see you it feels like my heart is crying teardrops of
fire…
High emotions filled with flames that are hotter then any other poetic
pros
and are burning better then any bad metaphors
and I’m drawn to a love that sets my soul on fire and no one else could be a
replacer and your love is the fire extinguisher
So what am I fighting this for?

Paperback Silence

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I read these bound collection of pages with words that all mean something
And I read them out loud but my lips form words that still stay silent
Because I’m reading the truth and me I refuse to accept it
The pages that hold these words that I hope will one day come alive
That I pray will turn from written material to reality and set free the feelings that I hold inside
And I wish that these words were written in ink like if they were in a journal
Because hopefully the diary would be mine and the ink would bleed through the
certain material of flat sheets that would drip on to me because at least I know that some of my feelings are capable of being released.
And I can’t keep acting like the words in this book are written in a language that is foreign
I’m protecting myself from going on this journey if I’m searching for you and then being lead to something that will not allow me to have you forever…
But I know in my heart this book was written differently… but in truth, to me, about you, because I was the first to read and open it
And this book was published only to be paperback
It’s flexible and lean…because these feelings that I have need to be bent in the right direction and angled to you finally reach you so we can be
Because a hardback is only made to have a rigid cover
That would make it hard for me to read these words and have their meanings flow out and have me finally understand the truth and uncover
But I knew all this and still didn’t want to accept it
This book was very interesting, I couldn’t put it down
I would try to stop reading it but then retrieved the novel and felt
Like I’m the one living it but my head is telling me I shouldn’t allow my heart to relive it
So this paperback… I still try my best to act like I don’t understand it
I have my mind trying to fool my heart
That this has been a paperback that we’ve interpreted in reverse so you would comprehend less at the same time as the pages turn
And when we were in each other’s presence I’m searching to be at a loss for words
So I attempt to read through this book slowly so I can at last follow my heart
Because in the book you were willing to chase and I promised to run slowly
In the final chapters your hand finally made it into mine
And in this book the feelings were released like they fell out of the sky
And at the end of the last chapter
our characters agreed that they would get it right this time
This book had a lesson and taught me my lips can form words even when there is silence
That I can accept the truth
And that together where still in the making of our books
And My heart fights my mind and tells it there is a sequel to this