heartbreak

Blessing on the Both of Us 

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I found new love again

And that’s only because it was almost perfect

Almost worth it

Courting me as if you were done seeking affection from random misses

And I was the one that made you different 

The one that made you hope for marriage

Playfully but carefully picked out subtle names for subsequent babies 

That you believed, if we had a girl she would drive you crazy 

Bc you explained she would look and act like her mother,

Me 

Your stubborn, strong willed but delicate lady

I wanted to love this man 

Who agreed, our babies would share the same first letter as our names

You would argue, as if I was having your child so bad 

that our first daughter would be named after your favorite football team 

Bc you are a huge Dallas fan

I miss this man 

and it sucks because all I imagine is kissing this man 

But I had to write this poem bc it helps me

Release a little bit of you from me at a time 

Helps me to cope with the reality that you are no longer mine 

Our conversations are now empty and before I could only imagine that what we are putting ourselves through now, could only be a lie

I thought I was close

And now we are both pulling each other on opposite sides of the rope

And I can’t trust u to pull me close

And I want to hold you but my hands still burn from the tugging you did on the rope 

And I want to love you but I don’t want to tie you. down, for fear that you may just go

I prayed that this could work

I cried Bc of hurt

And I shake with the thought of having to face you one day soon, and show u what I wrote

In Jesus name I cried asking him to heal us both 

Clarify that this is love, and this may work

In your name I pray renew us both 

Get back to what really mattered the most

And relive the night you first met me,

And thought that this girl right here I can not see her not being beside me

In his name let these words I wrote 

Help me release the control that I think I have and let the One Above workout a blessing on us both

I want to love you

No more, I swear

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No More
I never knew I would one day have to struggle to smile.
After my heart being shattered into pieces once again
I can’t manage to trust another person with it again
This pain is unbearable
And at times it arises from nowhere
When I least expect it
Then that’s when I find my collapsing to my knees
Into my own tears because my
Tear drops manage to make it to the ground before I did
It’s different this time around
Because I admitted to myself and him that I do love him
But now I wish I didn’t
Because if I would have held that word to myself
I would of had something inside of my that i didn’t allow him to see
I can’t even describe this hurt inside of me
Because it’s that great
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone to feel this way
Especially because I know I’m feeling this alone
I can’t even call you because it’s no use, because I mostly likely won’t pick up the phone
I feel stupid
Humiliated
Unmotivated
Reckless
Played
Lied to
Beaten
And tired
All because I allowed myself to be open, when I knew I shouldn’t
I am stupid
I’m angry at myself
And I hate him so bad
I hate when someone speaks of his name
And lord knows that’s not the truth
But when he is not present not even as my friend, I pray to God why did he allow for someone else to come into my life just to leave once again
I’m not strong enough for this
And I have to drag myself out of this
I know I deserve to be treated way better than this, by a man that would rather love my first and always than to ever do me wrong
My heart doesn’t want to leave him alone
And I hate to have love for someone that’s doesn’t feel like me
And I can tell this is a one way street
Someday a I wake up praying to God that I know he is blessing me.
But then there are other days when I wake up like a zombie, no emotions just wishing, in my dreams that’s is where I can escape from him
And there are other days when I wake up by the sounds of my own crying
I never miss so much sleep
And I never cried so much it’s starting to hurt
And don’t bother ask me how I’m doing because I will say I’m fine or all right.
Because I really have know idea how I’m doing, and not sure what is pushing me to get through the days
I don’t want heartbreak anymore
I just want to move one with the rest of my life
But this has a hold on and I’m fighting for something to release me. Especially since no once had ever fought to keep me
This is the third time I have turned into the throw away.
The practice before you find what you think is real
The filler until you something permanent
But I swear to anyone reading this I will not be that anymore
I’m done
In through
My heart has been through Trauma and no ER wants to see me anymore
So goodbye to love, and good bye to you. Because I worthy of someone genuine, someone nurturing, and someone with emotion
But for now I know I can find that all inside of myself so all I’m trusting for now is Deneen

*praying my prayers are being heard.

Love you

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I told you I love you
and I didn’t think the amount of time it took for me to tell  you
would be equivalent to the amount of time it would take for you to take yours back
and now I wish I could take it all back
keep it to myself
because you showed me how quickly your mind can change

and that makes me question
it you truly loved me in the first place
but I still find myself loving you
because I have always been incapable of reversing the truth
and then letting it slip away
I pray that this is true to you too
because the last time we were good together
you said those three words
and if i know your heart like I thought I did
in a month those words are incapable of change
you need time, but what is time
when the person I love, in the last couple weeks
is not in my life, if we love we should be by each others side
and why does needing you the most
have to be right now, when we find ourselves mentally at our worst
you should be with me
we are going to go through things
but in this time we should be working on coming out of it together
not allowing space to draw us further apart from each other.
I love you, I love you for the reason that you are so different from me
and I love you for loving me first
and doing things that I would never see myself doing, because we both know my pride will get in the way
I love you for the strength that you remind me that I have
I love you for recognizing that there is no need for me to worry
and I love you for doing things that I don’t expect, like flowers when we first met
and I love you for putting up with my annoyance
when nobody else will
and I love you for allowing me to be your black hippie
and i love you for teaching me how to love
and I love you because you listen
and I love you because u develop a lisp when you smile at me
and still try to speak
you encourage me
and I love you because when I haven’t been around you in a while

I sense how nervous you are
And I love you because neither of us can dance
and I love you because neither one us ever wants the other to take the blame
and I love you because I know truly you haven’t fell out of love with me
i love you because when I hope you would call
you just show up
and I love you because I could think of so many more reasons
why I want to tell you I love you in person
and I love you because in every moment that you are in I want to be in it with you
I can’t stand that it will come to an end
I still love you

On the Trigger

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Sometimes I have this vision
of me loading all your words all into a gun
as if they were bullets
aiming at point blank range
so close, I can fell your heart beat against the muzzle
my finger on the trigger
no witness around to say I did it
so shut up
don’t say one more thing
or my finger just may build enough courage to pull it
even though I know I couldn’t shoot enough rounds
after reloading a couple times
for you to feel it
to feel the same lies
the same agony
the same shame
 the same shots you rang out
as my heart was the target and  I was the range
so please don’t say anything
because the words you speak are the reason why we are here now
with this automatic pointed at your chest
and your words bound
I have turned this pain into power now
with the ability to take life and love away
devastate your entire being in the same way you did me
find my way back in your life
just to break you down, while I watch you smile
I should let these bullets fly
while looking only into your eyes
I want you to know how it feels
to have love die inside
after thinking  you were living the best days of your life
and then falling apart after deliberately being hit by the love of your life
see you are my hearts glitch
and I’m trying to find when I fell for you like this
you are no longer my hearts power on switch
so as I lift this pistol,
this is not the time to pitch your sorriest apologies
or grab my hand to clinch
and as I aim I rather you not flinch
for the reason that this gun I drew
is still deciding whether this bullet is still for you

Thoughts of Me

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to know that you thought about me sometime today
sent the most rapid amount of chills up my spine
but not the same chills that everyone describes
but the chills that seem to escalate the rate of the blood pumping
through my body
by 100 times
which at the same time
somehow convinced my breaths to slow down
because of the excitement of me just picturing you contemplating
the moments that we have compiled,
off sets my spine until I can no longer stand for long periods of time
you constantly restore the memory of me, even though I’m gone
you allow thoughts of me to be strong
taking over your psyche
being held responsible for thoughts and feelings that in your head, that carry on
your expressing to me saying that you thought of me
is telling me these thoughts were on purpose
because you anticipate my response
because you would like to know if my thoughts also consisted of you on purpose
you deliberately allowed thoughts of me to influence your smile
and I can’t help but deliberately appreciate
the act of you quietly soothing your world of noise
by lending the memory of me to your mind
when apart that proves you still focus on a “us”
because thoughts lead to beliefs
and thoughts have natural and physical power
and if we commit ourselves to those same thoughts of me that made you smile
we can eventually live a real life together

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You walked into my life when depression seemed to become the root of it all
I was giving up, willing to give up everything, turn in it all
But you appeared just in time, potent enough to take on it all
Strong enough to correct everything in love that I have experienced was wrong
Change my heart to believe that it is possible to stumble upon a king of your own
One willing enough to heal a Queen who is the most important and beautiful of her kind but yet seemed to coexist with a covert jester who only wanted to see her fall
this Queen unable to eat, not able to battle her weakest enemies
unable to sleep, rest for energy to control her own activity
Incapable of speech because conversation seemed to lack substance or truth, it didn’t have any
not able to see because water filled eyes made everything blurry
But you, you a King
Were strong for this Queen physically and mentally
holding on to God given power that only a real man could carry
a King allowing his queen to rest not just for beauty but for him because her strength is the reason why he lives
A king who speaks not just of authority but of praises and respect for a Queen who makes him feel like she makes up each and every cell running through his body
And a King able to wipe off or turn those tears of his Queen to joy, because just the feeling of her presence near, raises every hair on his body arose
A king who knows the risk of loving this Queen is all his and worth it
But he does, because that is what a ruler of real love was sent to love
A Queen unable to be depressed when her night in shining armor is also her best
A king who does not make it hard for his Queen
And a King who forces depression to leave and makes it easy for her to watch bad love make it leave
This king doesn’t want space, and will wait up for her
He rather be in a Thorne beside hers or occupying the same area that she blessed,
A king who ago knows a Queen deserves better and this King is that better
And no other man be that space filler
a Queen is not inadequate rather she is beyond ample enough for the King
A king will do anything to make his Queen stay
A king will walk in her life ready to stay and we never be somewhere else when his Queen needs him

If my heart were to somehow…

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If My heart would have somehow… fell for you again, I would do my best to catch her before you did, beg her to at least keep her balance, convince her that maybe this fall is worth taking again

if my heart would have somehow… stopped for you again, I would tell her to keep on going,

Protect My Home

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Protect my home
Not the housing that I am currently living in
But my heart because that is where the outside of my body can still find shelter in
My heart, just like my home is where my day starts with a mission and ends
And just like my home, my heart provides comfort and can put something back into working order again and mend
My heart is only place where I feel like every emotion inside of me bonds together like old friends
Each emotion that my living soul feels knows myself very well
And with affection and trust create these emotional sensations, that show
me who I really am in detail
Protect my home
This heart of mine is very fragile, despite the barbwire fence that I placed around it
If you ever had a chance at getting to know it
Understand that I had to fight with myself to let you in…and you were worth it
Protect my home
I rather you not steal from me or damage, this fragile territory
Because something so precious shouldn’t ever be stolen from one on purpose.
Don’t damage my delicate property
Because I’m not sure if there is anything to completely numb me
The pain feels like everything ended today. And nothing so hurtful is easy for one in love to bare or out weigh
So my heart has no choice but to lie heavy, until another walks all over it
Protect my home
Like if my heart were your mothers’
Because I don’t know of a man who would disregard a heart that is as beautiful as their first woman.
Protect my home
protect my heart
Even when it has trouble with the plumbing, when tears roll down a face and only long sleeves can catch them
Protect my heart when redecorating takes place, because I’m only improving things about myself to improve on things that will help us build the trust
Protect my heart when the electric is dwindling or the fire goes out
don’t Just walk away, because the anticipation of knowing you again will make new rose buds sprout
Protect my heart and I will be sure to protect yours, because my mother always told me, my heart is my home and I have to open it up for another to share the same address along with me

Remains

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Remains

“You dream but only of nightmares because you were hit where you’re most defenseless to pain.
So your eyelids conceal your eyes and my reflection stays blind.
And we both refuse to awaken to each other but my face somehow continues to appear in your mind.
So 2 sets of eyes make no contact we can’t look at each other because feelings were obtained 4 lips make short conversations because we gained something that still remains.”

-Neensupreme

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You seem to know my heart better then me, so tell me what I should do with it