healing

Love you

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I told you I love you
and I didn’t think the amount of time it took for me to tell  you
would be equivalent to the amount of time it would take for you to take yours back
and now I wish I could take it all back
keep it to myself
because you showed me how quickly your mind can change

and that makes me question
it you truly loved me in the first place
but I still find myself loving you
because I have always been incapable of reversing the truth
and then letting it slip away
I pray that this is true to you too
because the last time we were good together
you said those three words
and if i know your heart like I thought I did
in a month those words are incapable of change
you need time, but what is time
when the person I love, in the last couple weeks
is not in my life, if we love we should be by each others side
and why does needing you the most
have to be right now, when we find ourselves mentally at our worst
you should be with me
we are going to go through things
but in this time we should be working on coming out of it together
not allowing space to draw us further apart from each other.
I love you, I love you for the reason that you are so different from me
and I love you for loving me first
and doing things that I would never see myself doing, because we both know my pride will get in the way
I love you for the strength that you remind me that I have
I love you for recognizing that there is no need for me to worry
and I love you for doing things that I don’t expect, like flowers when we first met
and I love you for putting up with my annoyance
when nobody else will
and I love you for allowing me to be your black hippie
and i love you for teaching me how to love
and I love you because you listen
and I love you because u develop a lisp when you smile at me
and still try to speak
you encourage me
and I love you because when I haven’t been around you in a while

I sense how nervous you are
And I love you because neither of us can dance
and I love you because neither one us ever wants the other to take the blame
and I love you because I know truly you haven’t fell out of love with me
i love you because when I hope you would call
you just show up
and I love you because I could think of so many more reasons
why I want to tell you I love you in person
and I love you because in every moment that you are in I want to be in it with you
I can’t stand that it will come to an end
I still love you

Thoughts of Me

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to know that you thought about me sometime today
sent the most rapid amount of chills up my spine
but not the same chills that everyone describes
but the chills that seem to escalate the rate of the blood pumping
through my body
by 100 times
which at the same time
somehow convinced my breaths to slow down
because of the excitement of me just picturing you contemplating
the moments that we have compiled,
off sets my spine until I can no longer stand for long periods of time
you constantly restore the memory of me, even though I’m gone
you allow thoughts of me to be strong
taking over your psyche
being held responsible for thoughts and feelings that in your head, that carry on
your expressing to me saying that you thought of me
is telling me these thoughts were on purpose
because you anticipate my response
because you would like to know if my thoughts also consisted of you on purpose
you deliberately allowed thoughts of me to influence your smile
and I can’t help but deliberately appreciate
the act of you quietly soothing your world of noise
by lending the memory of me to your mind
when apart that proves you still focus on a “us”
because thoughts lead to beliefs
and thoughts have natural and physical power
and if we commit ourselves to those same thoughts of me that made you smile
we can eventually live a real life together

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You walked into my life when depression seemed to become the root of it all
I was giving up, willing to give up everything, turn in it all
But you appeared just in time, potent enough to take on it all
Strong enough to correct everything in love that I have experienced was wrong
Change my heart to believe that it is possible to stumble upon a king of your own
One willing enough to heal a Queen who is the most important and beautiful of her kind but yet seemed to coexist with a covert jester who only wanted to see her fall
this Queen unable to eat, not able to battle her weakest enemies
unable to sleep, rest for energy to control her own activity
Incapable of speech because conversation seemed to lack substance or truth, it didn’t have any
not able to see because water filled eyes made everything blurry
But you, you a King
Were strong for this Queen physically and mentally
holding on to God given power that only a real man could carry
a King allowing his queen to rest not just for beauty but for him because her strength is the reason why he lives
A king who speaks not just of authority but of praises and respect for a Queen who makes him feel like she makes up each and every cell running through his body
And a King able to wipe off or turn those tears of his Queen to joy, because just the feeling of her presence near, raises every hair on his body arose
A king who knows the risk of loving this Queen is all his and worth it
But he does, because that is what a ruler of real love was sent to love
A Queen unable to be depressed when her night in shining armor is also her best
A king who does not make it hard for his Queen
And a King who forces depression to leave and makes it easy for her to watch bad love make it leave
This king doesn’t want space, and will wait up for her
He rather be in a Thorne beside hers or occupying the same area that she blessed,
A king who ago knows a Queen deserves better and this King is that better
And no other man be that space filler
a Queen is not inadequate rather she is beyond ample enough for the King
A king will do anything to make his Queen stay
A king will walk in her life ready to stay and we never be somewhere else when his Queen needs him

If my heart were to somehow…

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If My heart would have somehow… fell for you again, I would do my best to catch her before you did, beg her to at least keep her balance, convince her that maybe this fall is worth taking again

if my heart would have somehow… stopped for you again, I would tell her to keep on going,

I Can’t Stand You

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Social Networking all I have to say to you
During this rough time in my life about
85 percent of the time I can’t stand you
For the reason that
I think you were personally made to set me up
to constantly go through my mental roller deck and
want to deck every memory that I ever shared with him
And I cant push all the blame on you because I added to it
By making the biggest mistake
posting past moments together and informing others that I am now taken
and I despise going down my old twitter feeds, because back then I wish I had an awaken
So for quite some time I excused my timelines and newfeeds
Because there was no way I wanted to scroll down my screen
in my deplorable and miserable state
And see pictures and words from you that pertain to what we use to be
now on instagram the only place I thought we were detached
But you always find back, in my life you find your way to latch
Even if that means making it you priority to follow every last one of my closest friends
Then you make sure you like every photo that I appear in
Then occasionally like a photo of mine to reassure me that I may no longer be personable in your life
but I for damn sure going to remind you that I exist in your life
Once you see this notification for this like
Hoping in return I will finally decide to follow you back, it’s not happening
Mainly because I can no longer stand your face, and in scrolling down my Instargram
I can’t even imagine seeing a happy photo of someone that has shattered my heart in ways that I can’t seem to put back in place
When trying to escape you from instagram I make my way to facebook in hope that I can have some clarity there because your deactivated
But after some time not speaking your activated,
after a couple minutes discovering I’m also on facebook,
you suddenly write positive quotes, right after I would post,
to indirectly convince me that you have moved on, but its actually saying that
I finally decided to un-deactive my facebook and I’m going to continue to write meaningless quotes until you noticed I’m on
And if that doesn’t work, your facebook is asking you what’s on your mind, so you decide to be that guy and post an update to your status
with the lyrics to my favorite song
Why do you find ways to emotionally drag me along?
Especially when you send messages describing how much you love me then
Blaming it on the fact that you are not connected to with natural self,
In other words, you chose to make excuses, and blame it on the alcohol that you say you’re abusing
When we both know at that moment, alcohol was not what you were using
You’re just making excuses to quickly cover up those three words, that soberly you’re not man enough to speak of
so I can find myself, tossing over and turning all night over your so called “drunk text” wondering if it any truth to it
And I fight myself so much I excuse it
When going through what feels like a breakup, I cant help but be socially drained.
Because I hate to log on and see your name
and be updated on how you are happy (happy) without me today
Or how a trip we planned on taken was experienced with another
And you even had the opportunity to visually display how much fun you both had together
I can’t stand you social networking, because every time I see your name on my display
My heart can never bare it all and just runs awaken
Or how you find ways to hang out with my best friend
When we both know you’re doing it because that is the only way you can receive updates on how I have been
or when social networking isn’t enough and you just happen to appear in the same place that I am in
And many times I have thought about
un-commencing our friendship like it never had a start
and in reality I rather not look at your face
because everything inside of me would reminisce back to when we were in that place
and sometimes participating in the same networks as you
never prepares me for when I have to look at you in the face
so I will continue to ignore facebook messages
instagram likes and act like I didn’t see tweets about you about
how you saw me from a face and I looked nice today
because I will never be able to believe in any word that you say
especially when you are only able you express how you feel
when it is delivered as a notification on my iphone display

He’s Gone Forever

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I lost you quicker

A lot faster than I thought you were going to go

Thoughts are not even allowed to linger

and body no longer will experience a tingle

every time you come near, because now you’re gone like the sun going away after the day ends

but the only difference is, you are not coming back again

Gone forever maybe to find out who we really are

without each other

gone forever

and no longer can I ask were are we and where have we gone

because we lost each other during that week

and there is no use in looking for each other because we disappeared and neither of us were meant to be seeked

but the smell of you still lives here and it sensitive to nose

you are gone forever but when your scent travels past my nose

I get this tendency to turn around in hope that you might possibly appear once more

like a car traveling down a one way road,  there’s no way of squeezing another car in for two

he is gone forever

and I did not make you love me, you just did

now he is gone forever, but where does love go when what we had ends

does love keep running until it is all out, or does it just get buried inside of us

until our futures allow us to meet back up

I don’t know if I no longer anticipate seeing your name call my phone

or making sure you are the last face I see before my eyes rest for awhile

he is gone forever

so I anticipate a new beginning and the blurry vision of a man who will one day be the first face I see when I wake up in the morning

already looking back at me

because he did not want to miss awakening of his future

 

he is gone forever

and maybe that’s why I do not try to think about that as much

and I do not know if it is possible to feel that way again for another. but I am hoping I can

he is gone forever

and I never wanted happily ever after

because that would mean that one day we would eventually end

and that is what exactly happened to us

you are gone from me for ever

and I wished before that I could be all… for you

but he is gone forever and I am nothing at all to you

we are gone forever

and it might not be possible to start new

Sorriest Sorry

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Today I thought about, way more than a brief second. Probably for about 5 minutes. Those minutes were long, long enough for me to think about every song we listened to with each other, every late night we ever spent together, and ever conversation we held between  each other. I did not plan on thinking about you, it somehow entered my mind. I find no matter how hard I tried, once my mind focuses and clears, you always find a way to reappear. I thought I was over, I thought I was starting new. So I was hoping the reason for my mind hoarding thoughts about you is only because that is its way of disposing you. I haven’t had the heart of saying out loud that I am totally through. For the reason that I believe in speaking things into existence and I still have hope that our time isn’t past due. In those seconds I felt every sensation, that I shared with you, whether its soft and warm because of the way you smiled, or your hands griping my forearm, while I set a fire inside because you said this would be the last time you would ever have to apologize. So I am saying my sorriest sorry because we always discussed that we would always share our feelings for each other, but now we do not talk to one another. But I am thinking about you, All the lies you told when I only ask for your truth, and all those words you spoke to me that feel like irritated gun shot wounds. I am still thinking about you, probably way more than I should. But it’s my mind telling me that you are possibly good or possibly bad you are for me, and these feelings I have for you are just misunderstood. Time will tell but I apologize to you because I thought about you once more and you don’t know. But I have this feeling that you’re feeling something when you enter my mind. So I apologize because we always said we would tell each other out loud. I’m Sorry because your thinking about me now, I can feel it.

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Confession:

I wish I had my mind made up
But there were so many reasons even sensations
This I needed to give you recognition
keep from being bottled inside and release this feeling that pushed this very inclination
that told me it had to come out and whatever that I felt was calling and say it to you myself
And what I need to say was taking baby steps from my lips to your ears so that you can hear for yourself

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

I do not understand why I can’t keep this captive
In my heart, so you never have to know
locked up, under security watch, no release, and never have to worry about feeling becoming active
Keep them in my head and hopefully some other way you will eventually be able to know

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

I finally took the time and counted
what could be worse …you taking this chance or me left and being rejected
I never know until i try
so words slip through lips that chose words carefully to say
The words were spoken and all I want to do is hide or leave with a rushed goodbye
I hope for a good response, as I sit back waiting for you with a relieved…sigh

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

What I feared the most hit me..and I was declined
And I wish the rush of me ever telling you this was gone
because I did not prepare myself to hear words that came close to No
I thought I was being brave and I was looking forward to a mutual response that I could set in stone

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

And now I just want to remove myself from any other inklings
because I went with this one and was denied your hearts entree
Even though you did not intend to deny me or hurt me
but rejection still hurts when your denied what you want so dearly

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

But I am going to take this in a way that is nothing more or less
because If I did not take this chance how would I ever be able to speak what was needed to be expressed
You were kind and I will not object that
There could always be something else down the line

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

So i take this as a lesson
but I will never forget that rejection is like a mission
set my self up before I throw myself in a life changing experiences
rejection does not feel so good
But I know in my heart now that I am a better person for giving this a heart felt try

No More Room

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I have this urge for you to not just understand,
but properly feel every damaging sensation in all of the inconspicuous emotions that I felt for
and it’s painful,
however there is no way I could
wish that on another or the person that not just hurt me
but allowed me to go through a indescribable amount of suffering
That I could never imagine going through
I thought I loved you