Random

Behind

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There is a lot to say

without even making the smallest sound

I am a relationship and still can’t find myself wearing

a full heart-ed smile

our conversations are personal, never a feeling for either of us to lie

and when I am with you

and it’s time for you to leave, I want you to stay for a longer  while

but I am losing track of our time

and I’m hiding inside of my own self,

seeking to only find myself being lonely inside

Maybe you are lost too

and maybe your loneliest can’t find me

but I’m standing right in the open and I am starting to think 

you don’t really want to seek me

Maybe you might be more than what I need

and maybe we did this too soon

we could be crashing our own love down

and maybe I just don’t know what to do with the love that you gave me

and maybe this union was something I did to

see if you could just save me

but I can’t see myself letting you go

we understand each other and on the outside we look perfect

but there is something here that’s not right

that’t not fair

but I cant stop myself from looking into those

eyes that tell me we’re fine

but I find myself behind

and I know you are saying “I oughta know by now”

because  you wanted  you to be mine

but I don’t

and I want to know that your heart will be promised

and your truth will be contagious

I want to know by now that I do not have to worry

and I want to now by now that I do not have to think about anymore “maybes”

And I want to know that you and I can have the most to say over any sound

and I just don’t want to wear a smile, rather I want you to feel it when your not around

and I ought to hear you over my music

and there is a reason our different worlds clicked

we are together and I want to be able to exist with you 

and I don’t want to feel alone when I have you

something is missing from us

and because you first found me,

I am determined to find it

Thoughts of Me

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to know that you thought about me sometime today
sent the most rapid amount of chills up my spine
but not the same chills that everyone describes
but the chills that seem to escalate the rate of the blood pumping
through my body
by 100 times
which at the same time
somehow convinced my breaths to slow down
because of the excitement of me just picturing you contemplating
the moments that we have compiled,
off sets my spine until I can no longer stand for long periods of time
you constantly restore the memory of me, even though I’m gone
you allow thoughts of me to be strong
taking over your psyche
being held responsible for thoughts and feelings that in your head, that carry on
your expressing to me saying that you thought of me
is telling me these thoughts were on purpose
because you anticipate my response
because you would like to know if my thoughts also consisted of you on purpose
you deliberately allowed thoughts of me to influence your smile
and I can’t help but deliberately appreciate
the act of you quietly soothing your world of noise
by lending the memory of me to your mind
when apart that proves you still focus on a “us”
because thoughts lead to beliefs
and thoughts have natural and physical power
and if we commit ourselves to those same thoughts of me that made you smile
we can eventually live a real life together

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You walked into my life when depression seemed to become the root of it all
I was giving up, willing to give up everything, turn in it all
But you appeared just in time, potent enough to take on it all
Strong enough to correct everything in love that I have experienced was wrong
Change my heart to believe that it is possible to stumble upon a king of your own
One willing enough to heal a Queen who is the most important and beautiful of her kind but yet seemed to coexist with a covert jester who only wanted to see her fall
this Queen unable to eat, not able to battle her weakest enemies
unable to sleep, rest for energy to control her own activity
Incapable of speech because conversation seemed to lack substance or truth, it didn’t have any
not able to see because water filled eyes made everything blurry
But you, you a King
Were strong for this Queen physically and mentally
holding on to God given power that only a real man could carry
a King allowing his queen to rest not just for beauty but for him because her strength is the reason why he lives
A king who speaks not just of authority but of praises and respect for a Queen who makes him feel like she makes up each and every cell running through his body
And a King able to wipe off or turn those tears of his Queen to joy, because just the feeling of her presence near, raises every hair on his body arose
A king who knows the risk of loving this Queen is all his and worth it
But he does, because that is what a ruler of real love was sent to love
A Queen unable to be depressed when her night in shining armor is also her best
A king who does not make it hard for his Queen
And a King who forces depression to leave and makes it easy for her to watch bad love make it leave
This king doesn’t want space, and will wait up for her
He rather be in a Thorne beside hers or occupying the same area that she blessed,
A king who ago knows a Queen deserves better and this King is that better
And no other man be that space filler
a Queen is not inadequate rather she is beyond ample enough for the King
A king will do anything to make his Queen stay
A king will walk in her life ready to stay and we never be somewhere else when his Queen needs him

He’s Gone Forever

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I lost you quicker

A lot faster than I thought you were going to go

Thoughts are not even allowed to linger

and body no longer will experience a tingle

every time you come near, because now you’re gone like the sun going away after the day ends

but the only difference is, you are not coming back again

Gone forever maybe to find out who we really are

without each other

gone forever

and no longer can I ask were are we and where have we gone

because we lost each other during that week

and there is no use in looking for each other because we disappeared and neither of us were meant to be seeked

but the smell of you still lives here and it sensitive to nose

you are gone forever but when your scent travels past my nose

I get this tendency to turn around in hope that you might possibly appear once more

like a car traveling down a one way road,  there’s no way of squeezing another car in for two

he is gone forever

and I did not make you love me, you just did

now he is gone forever, but where does love go when what we had ends

does love keep running until it is all out, or does it just get buried inside of us

until our futures allow us to meet back up

I don’t know if I no longer anticipate seeing your name call my phone

or making sure you are the last face I see before my eyes rest for awhile

he is gone forever

so I anticipate a new beginning and the blurry vision of a man who will one day be the first face I see when I wake up in the morning

already looking back at me

because he did not want to miss awakening of his future

 

he is gone forever

and maybe that’s why I do not try to think about that as much

and I do not know if it is possible to feel that way again for another. but I am hoping I can

he is gone forever

and I never wanted happily ever after

because that would mean that one day we would eventually end

and that is what exactly happened to us

you are gone from me for ever

and I wished before that I could be all… for you

but he is gone forever and I am nothing at all to you

we are gone forever

and it might not be possible to start new

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Confession:

I wish I had my mind made up
But there were so many reasons even sensations
This I needed to give you recognition
keep from being bottled inside and release this feeling that pushed this very inclination
that told me it had to come out and whatever that I felt was calling and say it to you myself
And what I need to say was taking baby steps from my lips to your ears so that you can hear for yourself

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

I do not understand why I can’t keep this captive
In my heart, so you never have to know
locked up, under security watch, no release, and never have to worry about feeling becoming active
Keep them in my head and hopefully some other way you will eventually be able to know

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

I finally took the time and counted
what could be worse …you taking this chance or me left and being rejected
I never know until i try
so words slip through lips that chose words carefully to say
The words were spoken and all I want to do is hide or leave with a rushed goodbye
I hope for a good response, as I sit back waiting for you with a relieved…sigh

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

What I feared the most hit me..and I was declined
And I wish the rush of me ever telling you this was gone
because I did not prepare myself to hear words that came close to No
I thought I was being brave and I was looking forward to a mutual response that I could set in stone

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

And now I just want to remove myself from any other inklings
because I went with this one and was denied your hearts entree
Even though you did not intend to deny me or hurt me
but rejection still hurts when your denied what you want so dearly

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

But I am going to take this in a way that is nothing more or less
because If I did not take this chance how would I ever be able to speak what was needed to be expressed
You were kind and I will not object that
There could always be something else down the line

Confession:
This will be my last and only day being rejected

So i take this as a lesson
but I will never forget that rejection is like a mission
set my self up before I throw myself in a life changing experiences
rejection does not feel so good
But I know in my heart now that I am a better person for giving this a heart felt try

Want it all

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The Meeting You
The Feeling That You’re Feeling Me
The Sleepless Nights of Thinking
The Considering
The Thought of Not Leaving You Alone
The Companionship.
The Security
The Fondness for the Words You Speak
The Completeness
The Trust
The Time That It Takes
The Joy
The Unbreakable Affection
The Compassion
The Simplicity You Bring
The Everlasting Feelings
The Unending Alliance With Your Eyes
The Tenderness
The Deep Considerations
The Sacrifices
The Where I Want To Be
The Pains
The Fighting Tears
The Lasting Moments
The Spreading Warmth in My Heart
The Personal (Healthy) Attachment to Each Other
The Point when Nothing Else Even Matters
The Agains
The Never Reaching the End
The Feeling Like This
The Beliefs that You Have In Me
The Closeness
The Sensitivity
The Over-Powerment of Understanding
The Beauty of Commitment
The Me
The You

The Love
….Could be too much?