Fluid Writing

No more, I swear

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No More
I never knew I would one day have to struggle to smile.
After my heart being shattered into pieces once again
I can’t manage to trust another person with it again
This pain is unbearable
And at times it arises from nowhere
When I least expect it
Then that’s when I find my collapsing to my knees
Into my own tears because my
Tear drops manage to make it to the ground before I did
It’s different this time around
Because I admitted to myself and him that I do love him
But now I wish I didn’t
Because if I would have held that word to myself
I would of had something inside of my that i didn’t allow him to see
I can’t even describe this hurt inside of me
Because it’s that great
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone to feel this way
Especially because I know I’m feeling this alone
I can’t even call you because it’s no use, because I mostly likely won’t pick up the phone
I feel stupid
Humiliated
Unmotivated
Reckless
Played
Lied to
Beaten
And tired
All because I allowed myself to be open, when I knew I shouldn’t
I am stupid
I’m angry at myself
And I hate him so bad
I hate when someone speaks of his name
And lord knows that’s not the truth
But when he is not present not even as my friend, I pray to God why did he allow for someone else to come into my life just to leave once again
I’m not strong enough for this
And I have to drag myself out of this
I know I deserve to be treated way better than this, by a man that would rather love my first and always than to ever do me wrong
My heart doesn’t want to leave him alone
And I hate to have love for someone that’s doesn’t feel like me
And I can tell this is a one way street
Someday a I wake up praying to God that I know he is blessing me.
But then there are other days when I wake up like a zombie, no emotions just wishing, in my dreams that’s is where I can escape from him
And there are other days when I wake up by the sounds of my own crying
I never miss so much sleep
And I never cried so much it’s starting to hurt
And don’t bother ask me how I’m doing because I will say I’m fine or all right.
Because I really have know idea how I’m doing, and not sure what is pushing me to get through the days
I don’t want heartbreak anymore
I just want to move one with the rest of my life
But this has a hold on and I’m fighting for something to release me. Especially since no once had ever fought to keep me
This is the third time I have turned into the throw away.
The practice before you find what you think is real
The filler until you something permanent
But I swear to anyone reading this I will not be that anymore
I’m done
In through
My heart has been through Trauma and no ER wants to see me anymore
So goodbye to love, and good bye to you. Because I worthy of someone genuine, someone nurturing, and someone with emotion
But for now I know I can find that all inside of myself so all I’m trusting for now is Deneen

*praying my prayers are being heard.

Behind

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There is a lot to say

without even making the smallest sound

I am a relationship and still can’t find myself wearing

a full heart-ed smile

our conversations are personal, never a feeling for either of us to lie

and when I am with you

and it’s time for you to leave, I want you to stay for a longer  while

but I am losing track of our time

and I’m hiding inside of my own self,

seeking to only find myself being lonely inside

Maybe you are lost too

and maybe your loneliest can’t find me

but I’m standing right in the open and I am starting to think 

you don’t really want to seek me

Maybe you might be more than what I need

and maybe we did this too soon

we could be crashing our own love down

and maybe I just don’t know what to do with the love that you gave me

and maybe this union was something I did to

see if you could just save me

but I can’t see myself letting you go

we understand each other and on the outside we look perfect

but there is something here that’s not right

that’t not fair

but I cant stop myself from looking into those

eyes that tell me we’re fine

but I find myself behind

and I know you are saying “I oughta know by now”

because  you wanted  you to be mine

but I don’t

and I want to know that your heart will be promised

and your truth will be contagious

I want to know by now that I do not have to worry

and I want to now by now that I do not have to think about anymore “maybes”

And I want to know that you and I can have the most to say over any sound

and I just don’t want to wear a smile, rather I want you to feel it when your not around

and I ought to hear you over my music

and there is a reason our different worlds clicked

we are together and I want to be able to exist with you 

and I don’t want to feel alone when I have you

something is missing from us

and because you first found me,

I am determined to find it

Fluid Writing: Then to have Me Now

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Goodbye
good bye to the man who rather postpone me until later
then to have now
so he can still prowl
on unambitious, not close to genuine, and over confident Females
that only look good in his towel
and still believe that I will be waiting for him no matter while…(snippet)

Fluid Writing

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I have been a poet for years
Since the day I could write out my tears

Not Okay

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There has to be a reason for coming back to the same thoughts every night.

Thoughts of Me

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to know that you thought about me sometime today
sent the most rapid amount of chills up my spine
but not the same chills that everyone describes
but the chills that seem to escalate the rate of the blood pumping
through my body
by 100 times
which at the same time
somehow convinced my breaths to slow down
because of the excitement of me just picturing you contemplating
the moments that we have compiled,
off sets my spine until I can no longer stand for long periods of time
you constantly restore the memory of me, even though I’m gone
you allow thoughts of me to be strong
taking over your psyche
being held responsible for thoughts and feelings that in your head, that carry on
your expressing to me saying that you thought of me
is telling me these thoughts were on purpose
because you anticipate my response
because you would like to know if my thoughts also consisted of you on purpose
you deliberately allowed thoughts of me to influence your smile
and I can’t help but deliberately appreciate
the act of you quietly soothing your world of noise
by lending the memory of me to your mind
when apart that proves you still focus on a “us”
because thoughts lead to beliefs
and thoughts have natural and physical power
and if we commit ourselves to those same thoughts of me that made you smile
we can eventually live a real life together

Fluid Writing: Chance

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Looking up
wishing on some stars
Wondering if you are waiting up tonight
In deep contemplation with yourself because you also have a lot on your mind, like I do
My dreaming has gone bad and my rest has gotten uncomfortable
And I find that there is nothing else to be about,
only to wish on something that could never physically meet with me
For the reason that everything or anyone I have some connection with
Eventually goes away
And if this star is capable of receiving what my being desires
Then there is no way I want to get too close and tamper with it
because I want there to be at least a
Mustard seed of a chance that
we could possibly be

Been A While

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It’s been a while
A very long time since that last time I thought about you
However that distance in time was much need
To realize you were never worth the pursuit
Never worth my truth
The sky that day our eyes met, showered something for me to love
But those droplets were never intended to land on
Rather they were meant to fall and flow along a stream that would eventually
Grace the bare feet of a man
That would only love me from the water he stands on to however far “up” ..travels