Blessing on the Both of Us 

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I found new love again

And that’s only because it was almost perfect

Almost worth it

Courting me as if you were done seeking affection from random misses

And I was the one that made you different 

The one that made you hope for marriage

Playfully but carefully picked out subtle names for subsequent babies 

That you believed, if we had a girl she would drive you crazy 

Bc you explained she would look and act like her mother,

Me 

Your stubborn, strong willed but delicate lady

I wanted to love this man 

Who agreed, our babies would share the same first letter as our names

You would argue, as if I was having your child so bad 

that our first daughter would be named after your favorite football team 

Bc you are a huge Dallas fan

I miss this man 

and it sucks because all I imagine is kissing this man 

But I had to write this poem bc it helps me

Release a little bit of you from me at a time 

Helps me to cope with the reality that you are no longer mine 

Our conversations are now empty and before I could only imagine that what we are putting ourselves through now, could only be a lie

I thought I was close

And now we are both pulling each other on opposite sides of the rope

And I can’t trust u to pull me close

And I want to hold you but my hands still burn from the tugging you did on the rope 

And I want to love you but I don’t want to tie you. down, for fear that you may just go

I prayed that this could work

I cried Bc of hurt

And I shake with the thought of having to face you one day soon, and show u what I wrote

In Jesus name I cried asking him to heal us both 

Clarify that this is love, and this may work

In your name I pray renew us both 

Get back to what really mattered the most

And relive the night you first met me,

And thought that this girl right here I can not see her not being beside me

In his name let these words I wrote 

Help me release the control that I think I have and let the One Above workout a blessing on us both

I want to love you

No more, I swear

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No More
I never knew I would one day have to struggle to smile.
After my heart being shattered into pieces once again
I can’t manage to trust another person with it again
This pain is unbearable
And at times it arises from nowhere
When I least expect it
Then that’s when I find my collapsing to my knees
Into my own tears because my
Tear drops manage to make it to the ground before I did
It’s different this time around
Because I admitted to myself and him that I do love him
But now I wish I didn’t
Because if I would have held that word to myself
I would of had something inside of my that i didn’t allow him to see
I can’t even describe this hurt inside of me
Because it’s that great
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone to feel this way
Especially because I know I’m feeling this alone
I can’t even call you because it’s no use, because I mostly likely won’t pick up the phone
I feel stupid
Humiliated
Unmotivated
Reckless
Played
Lied to
Beaten
And tired
All because I allowed myself to be open, when I knew I shouldn’t
I am stupid
I’m angry at myself
And I hate him so bad
I hate when someone speaks of his name
And lord knows that’s not the truth
But when he is not present not even as my friend, I pray to God why did he allow for someone else to come into my life just to leave once again
I’m not strong enough for this
And I have to drag myself out of this
I know I deserve to be treated way better than this, by a man that would rather love my first and always than to ever do me wrong
My heart doesn’t want to leave him alone
And I hate to have love for someone that’s doesn’t feel like me
And I can tell this is a one way street
Someday a I wake up praying to God that I know he is blessing me.
But then there are other days when I wake up like a zombie, no emotions just wishing, in my dreams that’s is where I can escape from him
And there are other days when I wake up by the sounds of my own crying
I never miss so much sleep
And I never cried so much it’s starting to hurt
And don’t bother ask me how I’m doing because I will say I’m fine or all right.
Because I really have know idea how I’m doing, and not sure what is pushing me to get through the days
I don’t want heartbreak anymore
I just want to move one with the rest of my life
But this has a hold on and I’m fighting for something to release me. Especially since no once had ever fought to keep me
This is the third time I have turned into the throw away.
The practice before you find what you think is real
The filler until you something permanent
But I swear to anyone reading this I will not be that anymore
I’m done
In through
My heart has been through Trauma and no ER wants to see me anymore
So goodbye to love, and good bye to you. Because I worthy of someone genuine, someone nurturing, and someone with emotion
But for now I know I can find that all inside of myself so all I’m trusting for now is Deneen

*praying my prayers are being heard.

Love you

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I told you I love you
and I didn’t think the amount of time it took for me to tell  you
would be equivalent to the amount of time it would take for you to take yours back
and now I wish I could take it all back
keep it to myself
because you showed me how quickly your mind can change

and that makes me question
it you truly loved me in the first place
but I still find myself loving you
because I have always been incapable of reversing the truth
and then letting it slip away
I pray that this is true to you too
because the last time we were good together
you said those three words
and if i know your heart like I thought I did
in a month those words are incapable of change
you need time, but what is time
when the person I love, in the last couple weeks
is not in my life, if we love we should be by each others side
and why does needing you the most
have to be right now, when we find ourselves mentally at our worst
you should be with me
we are going to go through things
but in this time we should be working on coming out of it together
not allowing space to draw us further apart from each other.
I love you, I love you for the reason that you are so different from me
and I love you for loving me first
and doing things that I would never see myself doing, because we both know my pride will get in the way
I love you for the strength that you remind me that I have
I love you for recognizing that there is no need for me to worry
and I love you for doing things that I don’t expect, like flowers when we first met
and I love you for putting up with my annoyance
when nobody else will
and I love you for allowing me to be your black hippie
and i love you for teaching me how to love
and I love you because you listen
and I love you because u develop a lisp when you smile at me
and still try to speak
you encourage me
and I love you because when I haven’t been around you in a while

I sense how nervous you are
And I love you because neither of us can dance
and I love you because neither one us ever wants the other to take the blame
and I love you because I know truly you haven’t fell out of love with me
i love you because when I hope you would call
you just show up
and I love you because I could think of so many more reasons
why I want to tell you I love you in person
and I love you because in every moment that you are in I want to be in it with you
I can’t stand that it will come to an end
I still love you

Behind

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There is a lot to say

without even making the smallest sound

I am a relationship and still can’t find myself wearing

a full heart-ed smile

our conversations are personal, never a feeling for either of us to lie

and when I am with you

and it’s time for you to leave, I want you to stay for a longer  while

but I am losing track of our time

and I’m hiding inside of my own self,

seeking to only find myself being lonely inside

Maybe you are lost too

and maybe your loneliest can’t find me

but I’m standing right in the open and I am starting to think 

you don’t really want to seek me

Maybe you might be more than what I need

and maybe we did this too soon

we could be crashing our own love down

and maybe I just don’t know what to do with the love that you gave me

and maybe this union was something I did to

see if you could just save me

but I can’t see myself letting you go

we understand each other and on the outside we look perfect

but there is something here that’s not right

that’t not fair

but I cant stop myself from looking into those

eyes that tell me we’re fine

but I find myself behind

and I know you are saying “I oughta know by now”

because  you wanted  you to be mine

but I don’t

and I want to know that your heart will be promised

and your truth will be contagious

I want to know by now that I do not have to worry

and I want to now by now that I do not have to think about anymore “maybes”

And I want to know that you and I can have the most to say over any sound

and I just don’t want to wear a smile, rather I want you to feel it when your not around

and I ought to hear you over my music

and there is a reason our different worlds clicked

we are together and I want to be able to exist with you 

and I don’t want to feel alone when I have you

something is missing from us

and because you first found me,

I am determined to find it

Fluid Writing: Then to have Me Now

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Goodbye
good bye to the man who rather postpone me until later
then to have now
so he can still prowl
on unambitious, not close to genuine, and over confident Females
that only look good in his towel
and still believe that I will be waiting for him no matter while…(snippet)

Fluid Writing

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I have been a poet for years
Since the day I could write out my tears